Everything changes. I said, for a long time, that I wish things would just stabilize so I wouldn’t feel so awful all the time. It seemed like just about the time I would get things going good and just the way I want them, something would change, and everything would fall apart, and I would find myself having to start all over again.
I’ve been searching for stability for 43 years now. That something that is going to click into place and hold everything together, so I can stop trying to juggle a million different things at once, and failing. Something is going to click, right?
Yes, but it isn’t what I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be a book taking off, or a stock going big, or some other external sudden change that would change my entire life. It wasn’t.
I’ve been on an inner journey and working toward life on my own terms for a while now. In order to live life on your terms, you really have to explore inward and figure out what those terms really are. I had not dug deeply enough.
I had a belief in place that was set pretty hard. Its taken a lot of chipping and sledge hammering to find. Ive hat to hit a low, low, again to find it.
Now that I have, I’m happy on the inside. My life, at the moment, is far from perfect. I’m not living it up on a beach with a pina colada in one hand and my laptop in the other. My bills aren’t magically getting paid by book royalties and I’m not flying around the world doing book signings and Ted Talks every month.
I’m paying for a roof over my head day to day with money I manage to scrape together for the next day or go end up staying in a homeless shelter. That is the reality of my life right now.
Stability is an illusion. I’ve learned that the hard way. I have been demanding it. Working and waiting for it, and I’ve been miserable because of it. Today, that is different.
Everything changes. EVERYTHING! Accept that. Take it in and swirl it around like a good mouthwash. Let it seep deep into the crevices of your soul. You could end up homeless tomorrow and it have nothing at all to do with what you have or haven’t done. I’m living proof of that.
My fail was not being prepared for that. I believed stability was something would click into place and then I’d be set for life. I was wrong.
It was against what I firmly believed way deep down and I refused to accept anything different as fact. When I got toppled by the reality of life being everything changes recently, I ended up nearly homeless (I’m scraping money together to stay in a motel room one day at a time to avoid living in my van or going to a homeless shelter) it almost ended me.
There is no illusion in that. The reality is everything changes. When you accept that, you prepare for it and life starts to look a lot different. Let go of the illusion of stability. Stability is what you make it. Not a click that happens suddenly.
Onward and upward from here with a changed belief. That is where life on your terms really begins.